2018
On living home-free, searching for love, and the quest for the true nature of reality.
Perhaps there are other worlds all around us and we only must learn to see.
January 9, 2018 at 5:56 PM (notes app)
when i say reality is an illusion, what i am saying is that reality is not fixed. we create our world. our reality is created by the stories we tell each other. your job this year is to question, question everything you assume to be true. and when you discover falsities, reality that doesn’t serve you or humanity or the planet, what you must do is simple: tell new stories.
let them be stories of kindness and empathy and compassion. may your new stories evolve our planet to a place of beauty and community, limited only by the depths of our imagination
January 23, 2018 at 12:58 PM (notes app)
You can pretend the world is magic or you can fall in love with math. They’re different perspectives, two sides of the same coin.
Labelling experiences is a human compulsion.
It’s adorable that we think the answers to the universe exist within the language that we’ve created for ourselves, with its structures and systems. Like words aren’t cages for consciousness. The very need to label is a human flaw. The true reality of nature exists outside our current expression of reality.
February 4th, 2018, page one of draft 1.5 of “heartbreaker”
“heartbreaker” feature notes
Good or bad, hard to say. He held on to things so tightly. He seemed so advanced because he spoke the truth of his reality so clearly. But his reality was skewed. He lived in a different world. A world where things were GOOD or BAD and he could get very sad about them. I wanted to fix the broken parts of him but I didn’t see him as a broken person. Because no person is broken. From my world those parts appeared broken, but in his world, those parts were king. Different worlds and mine just as flawed as his, only in different ways. He saw me as… he wasn’t sure if I was real or an illusion. And he worked his hardest to pick me apart in search of the truth. Pick me apart instead of looking inside himself. But then again, I was doing the same thing to him.
March 4, 2018 at 4:21 AM (notes app)
Romantic comedies where things happen too fast are irresponsible stories.
Falling in love takes time.
from draft 1.6 of “heartbreaker”
from draft 1.8.2
April 26, 2018 at 8:24 PM (notes app)
Is polyamory the answer or is that just fear of failure in a different dress?
The search for the love and the quest for the true nature of reality are the same thing.
from “How I Came to Be Home-Free”, published June 4th
That’s been the hardest part: facing uncertainty. Facing uncertainty, accepting generosity, trusting my intuition, and letting go of the perceptions I believe others have of me. And, more importantly, letting go of the perceptions I have of myself.
Because, in life, there’s always something to worry about. But repeating this process again and again and again — constantly looking for the next place to stay, constantly checking in with where I’m supposed to go, who I’m supposed to be with — over time, the worry starts to fade away. Not entirely, but slowly and bit by bit.
It is amazing the clarity that comes with discomfort. There are so many times I wished someone would figure out the answers for me, make decisions on my behalf, tell me what to do. But it is up to me to figure out every time and that challenge is where the growth lives.
When you trust your gut, balance it with your rational mind, listen to your heart, weigh the pros and cons, and trust your intuition, it will always work out for the best.
June 25, 2018 at 9:31 AM (notes app)
We all experience faith. For some of us it’s faith in religion, god. For others it’s science. For some it’s love. Truth or justice. Faith is a belief that the world has purpose and we can know things to be true. But truth is just beyond our current comprehension.
Infinity is birth and death. Infinity is cyclical. It’s not “endless” in both directions, it’s just ever cycling.
Modern women finally remembered that witchcraft isn’t magic. It’s learning to control energy. Energy: what is at the root of everything.
June 28, 2018 at 9:34 AM (notes app)
I think science can be just as dogmatic as religion, so focused on separating itself, it misses the bigger picture. From nothing comes nothing.
To the point where being kind to a man I’m interested in now comes with anxiety. Anxiety that I want him to quell though that is not his responsibility, it is mine. I alone can separate those two pathways in my brain.
July 14th, from the first draft of “Single is the Default”
The story of love in our culture teaches us that we are not valid until we secure love externally. It tells us that we are not valid unless someone else validates us.
I have not been validated by a man therefore I am not a valid human. Me always being single throws water on the circuits of many people’s brains. After I tell them, they twitch a little bit then give me that glazed, does-not-compute look, and finish the interaction with a sympathetic gurgle.
Because all I’ve ever done is try and fail. Sure, there were times in my life where I didn’t want a relationship. There were months and even years where my fingers swiped nary a dating site. But those times were often in response to a short, at first fun and then later traumatic, dating experience. A necessary period of solitude to rebuild after I tried to be myself, tried to be like I saw in the movies, tried to make something meaningful happen, tried to make someone love me… and failed miserably.
July 25, 2018 at 8:44 AM (notes app)
Love is a verb. Chemistry, magic, that special feeling… not verbs. Not real.
I have held two beliefs very deeply for nearly all my life: love is magic, and seeking a relationship is not a valid use of my time. I bought into the fairy tale AND third wave feminism. It has not made things easy for me.
Playing the “game” in dating always felt like giving in to the patriarchy. Even before I knew what the patriarchy was. Why would you build a relationship on insincere behaviour? But my behaviour, that which I assumed was deeply sincere and true, was not. My kindness and persistence and openness and trust were all founded on a false belief. Love is not magic. Love is socialized.
This dance of particles exists in every aspect of our lives and its unbalance keeps us from getting what we want.
I don’t want to be rational. This romantic spark feels too good.
July 26, 2018 at 8:35 PM (notes app)
I should have stopped dating him when he didn’t agree that Clueless is a perfect film.
sometime in August or September
“I Have an Anger”
the world doesn’t know what to do with a woman’s rage
:::
i have an anger
it is in my bones
::
i have an anger
it is in my soul
::
i have an anger
i am coming to realize
::
i have an anger
jesus. fucking. christ.
:::
i didn’t come here with it
it activated over time
::
i have an anger now
but
i was born nice
…
the school portraits
you see
they changed over time
::
it started with the magazines
you
are
not
enough
not even close
your body belongs to us
::
the world, right now, i can tell
does not understand a woman’s rage
how could they ?
when i am only just understanding it myself
August 15, 2018 at 6:13 PM (notes app)
What you are, darling, is deep in attachment. It feels a lot like love. There is a different feeling when two compatible energies match. A certainty. But sometimes we are wrong about the things we were certain about. And we can meet the right person at the wrong time. That happens a lot. We could spend the rest of our lives not even knowing. That happens, too. Though it can express itself in other ways: like disease in the heart.
August 23, 2018 at 11:24 PM (notes app)
Oh you’re going to have a real love. Oh yes, if you fight this.
August 27, 2018 at 2:04 PM (notes app)
The only way out is through. Except there is no “out”. Only deeper and deeper levels of understanding. But you have to go through. It’s the only way.
August 31, 2018 at 11:01 AM (notes app)
Though it strikes me now that the war between fate and free will, god and chaos, is the answer. I think finding the balance between the push and pull of these things, of all our parts is what we’re striving for in this lifetime, in this consciousness.
September 5, 2018 at 10:31 AM (notes app)
People need to be told when they’re hurting other people. People need to be told when they’re hurting themselves. Ultimately they’re the same thing. Hurting other people stems from hurt within yourself. We need to speak clearly about these things.
September 12, 2018 at 12:31 PM (notes app)
I scream because it is not safe to cry.
September 19, 2018 at 4:53 PM (notes app)
You will continue to get angry. As long as you continue to fear anger. As long as continue to fear grief.
September 20th, from “heartbreaker” draft 3.0
Closed systems will not produce inherent truths. The answers can be found by looking through multiple perspectives, multiple lenses, the Multiverse. Question everything. Beliefs dictate our lives, so choose to operate under the ones that serve you. Because nothing in your singular universe is inherently true.
October 3, 2018 at 10:46 AM (notes app)
I honour the part of me that believes so deeply, that loves so hard. I honour the unrequited love archetype because it is deeply intertwined with the storyteller life. I feel no pain, no regret, no shame, just curiosity. I love the part of me that is so brave in vulnerability. I cherish my hopeless romantic side and chuckle at her unwavering faith.
I don’t have to be one side of myself. I can exist throughout all aspects, with no judgement. I can vacillate and change and evolve every day. There is no fixed reality, no fixed story.
Kill them. Kill your darlings. Murder the stories that hurt you the most.
What if heartbreak is an expression of the patriarchy?
October 6, 2018 at 12:09 AM (notes app)
This summer (and now) I have been in what many people experience as depression. There has been intense grief. Anger. Fear. A lot of confusion. An uncomfortable amount of learning. Beliefs being shattered constantly. Sometimes I don’t know which way is up.
It’s okay to retire things before you stop loving them.
October 14, 2018 at 9:31 AM (notes app)
brave and foolish are two sides of the same coin
“be still”, written & published on October 21st
.
be still, the water whispered
the present moment is enough
do less, the water whispered
because there is no rush
be still, the water whispered
busy is a crutch
love you, the water whispered
who you are is enough
.
.
.
Oct 25, 2018 at 9:41 PM (notes app)
What’s in your highest good is in my highest good. I love so many people. Why attachment?
November 4, 2018 at 8:41 AM (notes app)
Why Dystopia? What if we told stories where the future is bright? I realize that stories need conflict. Utopia is, perhaps, less dramatically interesting.
We need to stop pretending that the worlds we create and live in in our minds don’t affect the world outside.
Make no mistake. The most powerful collective consciousness will create reality.
from “Single is the Default”, published December 5th
It is time we dismantle the marriage culture. It is time we rename the “ring” finger. It is time we not just uplift the single experience, but we idolize the single experience. It is time we accept ourselves exactly as we are.
A culture that teaches that love must be found externally is a broken culture.
The ideology of marriage is deeply tied to capitalism, consumerism, and the patriarchy. Systems that teach us that we are not good enough as we are.
Believing in the story of love in our culture is the exact reason I was never able to find love. The story of love in our culture sets us up to fail.
gently darling, your thoughts aren’t real
gently darling, you’re here to heal
December 16, 2018 at 6:37 PM (notes app)
I cannot trust my emotions or feelings to tell me what’s true. I can only trust them to tell me what’s going to get me through — to the next layer of understanding, the next level of perception.
December 18, 2018 at 12:59 AM (notes app)
I’m always working so hard not to be enthusiastic.
December 20th, from short story “How Many Worlds Must We Conquer Before We Lose Our Minds?”, unpublished
It is coming from the ether. We know this. That title. This sentence. All of it, bubbling up from a world of forms, supercomputer, akashic record. Pick your metaphor. You are all wrong. Words will never explain it. The truth is beyond language. Obviously.
Things got exponentially faster before they shifted. Of course they did. That’s what happens at the end of a cycle. It was clear to anyone paying attention what was unfolding. But distractions were everywhere. A frenetic jumbling of stories, lives, and beliefs spinning around and around at an increasing speed.
That’s how it felt in her head, a whirlpool of endless thoughts spiralling, carrying her swiftly with the current to the dregs of this most painful learning cycle. She hit the sides, bruising and bumping her body all the way down. From chaos comes order she reminded herself again and again and again, sometimes combating the fear, sometimes not.
December 31st, 12:24 AM
We’re all just doing the best we can with the tools we’ve been given.
Kelly Tatham is a storyteller based in Los Angeles.
Click to watch her award-winning short film, Multiverse Dating for Beginners.
She is currently writing a feature film, developing a documentary series on consciousness, and writing a book about how the search love and the search for the true nature of reality are the same thing.
